Wednesday, 16 May 2012

This filthy stinky gooey blob called jealousy ...

It's ALL OVER THE PLACE.

Does it have to do with the May moon?

Stories from fellow writer friends are hitting my inbox like a mechanic fly swat about the dark side of being published.

BEING PUBLISHED.

It has become a cue to involuntarily cull friends from your life. It doesn't seem to be like this ON THE OUTSIDE. On the outside there is so much support for each other that it can be overwhelming. Everyone joins forces to help each other out. But unfortunately there are some people in this world who (thankfully I'm not acquainted with) seem to have an agenda that goes far beyond the organic nature of what helping others is all about.

I feel sick when I read things that are patronizingly over-the-top supportive, because I can instinctively feel the curl of their jealous snarl from behind their computer screen.

I once thought I was imagining it. But apparently I'm not, because I have a few published friends who have confided in me about the horrible happenings behind the scenes.

Goodness me, people, jealousy is EVIL. Jealousy can take over your world to the extent that every innocent act is perceived to be slobbered with jealousy goo. There has to be a way to stop this. Doesn't there?

Sure, I've been envious of some of my friends. It's only natural to feel a bit of a sting when someone you're close to gets something you want. But NEVER have I EVER felt this full-fledged jealousy that turns wonderful people into a vicious amalgamation of snotty, spiteful and cruel behaviour (of which I cannot mention, I'm sorry.)

THIS IS NOT ON.

Can those of you who have been victim to the filthy stinky gooey blob of jealousy, please put all of that jealous energy into reaching your own goals? Please? The first person it will benefit is YOU.

Have you ever been victim to jealous friends? Have you lost friends because of jealousy? How did you deal with it?


48 comments:

  1. You're going to have to email me, because I have no idea what you're talking about.

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  2. When it comes to writing, I have nothing for people to be jealous about.

    I never understand the jealousy. Nobody's life is perfect. One area in our lives is great probably means something else isn't so great. Success for one person doesn't mean no success for me. It's not like a publisher was taking 2 submissions: mine and the other writer's piece, and then took that person's over mine.

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    1. And that is a great way to think, Theresa.

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  3. For me, these are the times when it's nice not to be in the position where these responses are inclined to come one's way. A bit like the conundrum of fame. The 'tall poppy' syndrome is something I have never understood - human nature is often an unpredictable and enigmatic condition. We can live in hope that goodwill can reign supreme. I really like this quote by Aristotle.."The best friend is the man who in wishing me well wishes it for my sake."
    Very best wishes. Jeff.

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  4. You said it perfectly, jealousy is evil. I don't believe it is right or fair to call yourself anyone's friend and then treat them badly when things go well for them. No one needs 'friends' like that! Life is just too short for this garbage...great post.

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  5. Like you, I sometimes feel a bit envious, but I use that to push myself on. If a friend has a short story published, I'll pull an already-written-but-overlooked story out to submit somewhere. It gives me a boost into action.

    Luckily I don't think I've been on the receiving side of it.

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    1. I haven't either, yet. Thank goodness!

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  6. Jealousy, like everything else, is part of life. We learn to deal with it and not take things in face value. Sure there is a lot of writers who do what you say but it's true also in any other profession.
    Good luck in your endeavors. Would love to real more of your posts.

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    1. This is true, Jeremy, but it doesn't mean we have to just accept it. Murder is also a part of life, but I don't see people sitting back and shrugging their shoulders about it.

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  7. I've not seen it but I'm sure it exists because we're all human, and the Internet kind of magnifies everything.

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  8. Yeah, this happens. In every human endeavor. Publishing is no different--it's the species :) I group this into a cluster of behaviors I simply refer to as "drama" and work very hard to avoid. Jealousy is a basic emotion, and I feel it just like everyone else. And then I challenge myself to, as you encourage, refocus on my own stuff. It's important not to feed that beast.

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    1. Haha, nice category to put it in. I'll just shove it there with the fact that I have to cook tonight and don't want to. Because, yes, that is a drama! :o)

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  9. I've lost friends over the years and other real friends told me it was because of jealousy. I was surprised and hurt. I'll never understand that bottom feeding emotion.

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    1. I won't either, you're not alone, Em.

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  10. I agree it's normal to feel a bit jealous at times. But it's sad when people turn mean.

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  11. I'm with a lot of the comments, it's normal to feel a bit jealous, but not to go out of your way to be OVERLY JEALOUS.

    I hate to hear that this is happening but I suppose it is the harsh reality of someone becoming successful.

    It's been awhile since I've stopped in but wanted to show my love ;)

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  12. Wow - sorry for whatever happened. But no, I haven't seen that kind of jealousy though I'm sure it exists.

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    1. You're lucky. Nice post over at Roz's, btw!

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  13. I learned at a very young age just how destructive an emotion like jealousy is. I was on the recieving end of a lot of taunting and exclusion all because of one friend's jealousy and I swore to myself that I'd never make anyone else feel that way. Same goes for relationships. Nothing feels worse than having a jealous or manipulative boyfriend or person in your life. I think a lot of people don't realise just how glaringly obviously jealousy is and the only right way to deal is to accept your own feelings and then move on. Acting on jealousy never brings anything good into the world.

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    1. It certainly doesn't, Katie. Sorry to hear you were on the receiving end so much!

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  14. It's one of those primal things; some learn to control it, others breed it. I've had little twinges of jealousy with others' success, but mostly I feel really happy for them. I can't stress enough how much patience a writer must have. If you work hard good things will eventually happen.

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  15. I was at a book event with local authors at a Barnes & Noble store and a woman pulled the chair out from under me when I started to sit down. We were supposed to share a table and she had gotten there before I did and there was no room for my books. She said, "You can stand. You're younger than I am. Ha..Ha.." And then at another local author event, a children's author from another table came up to peruse my books. I sat behind my large posters sitting on the table and didn't see what she did, but she eventually opened one of my books and said, "Ooops, your binding is broken!" It was the only book I ever had that had binding break (this first book being out for a few years and many copies carted and sold at book events). I'm sure now that she cunningly broke the binding. Both these authors were self-published and desperate authors. Unfortunately, I've seen so much of this over the years and could write pages about it. When I was younger, I never believed anyone could be jealous of me. And now I know just having red hair sometimes engenders jealousy! On the bright side, I have sincere, supportive, and loving writer friends who "get me" and my work. And I also relish encouraging other writers (who aren't of the arrogant ilk. No matter how difficult it is now, I continue to believe this is my personal journey and so what if I gained the whole successful writing world life but lost my soul! I want my soul intact, and jealousy breaks it up into tiny, mean pieces. Hang in there Jessica...you are gifted and I would warrant that sometimes your youthful confidence and vigor just rubs some people the wrong way. Being on the other side of youth (except in spirit and zest), I understand this. Be confident, but be humble. But we all know that as soon as we think we're humble, we're not. "Writing is an affair of yearning for great voyages and hauling on frayed ropes"

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    1. Cynthia, it hasn't happened to me, it's happened to a few people I know, but thanks for the vote of confidence :)

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  16. Most certainly, the opposite SHOULD be true. It's powerful good Karma to align one's self with people who are successful. Proven fact (especially in writing groups): success is contagious, and when one member gets published, often times, due to some unseen force of nature, the whole group catches fire. Jealousy will ruin that balance, sure as hell.

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    1. Exactly, people should start perceiving others' successes as their own eventual success! nice one. :)

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  17. Had a funny sort of jealously applied to me, was taking services around various parishes and was more popular than the rector who proceeded to bully me until I left. Now I'm enjoying writing my children's books.

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  18. ugh, really? I've never seen it. That's crazy. I mean, i've had my brief moments of envy, those "why not me?" Moments that sneak up on you unexpectedly, but they go away pretty quick. I damn well know the only thing i have to do to get where they're at is work harder and keep at it. Jealousy gets you nowhere

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    1. Me too. BRIEF moments which pass pretty quick. It's only natural. But prolonging it into something that turns out big and ugly is not the way to go.

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  19. As I've learned since elementary school, jealousy is absolute poison. It is futile to try to alleviate a person's jealousy or envy of you if you are its object. You just need to escape, block, unfriend, ignore, turn the cheek, whatever, until it blows over. And try to focus YOUR energy elsewhere instead of stewing in the hurt caused by the jealousy. I've found that after time passes, if you don't pick a fight OR try to win the person over (which usually just makes it worse), they either disappear from your life or come around on their own.

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    1. That's interesting. Yes, I suppose ignoring it would be the logical way to go,

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  20. When it comes to writing I don't really understand that type of jealousy. There are all kinds of people and all kinds of books. It's ridiculous to be jealous of other people's success. It's sort of like showing your lack of faith in your ability to find your own market and your own success.

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  21. Jealousy is a sad thing. There's enough for everyone so I try and be happy when anyone succeeds. Sadly, this is not the world view. Congratulations. No really. Very cool.

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  22. It's sad when it happens. I haven't lost friends over it, but I have developed an enemy because of jealousy.

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  23. I'm not really the jealous type. I think that there is room for everyone in this game of writing, but I think jealousy does exist between writers. I think it has to do with a scarcity mentality as opposed to an abundance mentality. If one person gets published and you don't, it doesn't mean that piece won't ever find a home. It just means it hasn't found the right home.
    Jealousy is a waste of time. I would rather help someone succeed than focus energy on why I can't have their good fortune or whatever.

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  24. If any of my friends ever faded away from me because if jealousy, I guess I simply never noticed.

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  25. It's call the ugly green monster for a reason. That's too bad that people cannot just be happy for others.

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  26. Hi Jess - stand true to yourself always, smile and ignore the snotty gobby people who are cruel, unkind and thoughtless ...

    Helping others is so much more valuable for everyone - and will rub off and benefit all ... Good luck - with many thoughts .. cheers Hilary

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  27. Of course those of us not published may feel a slight twinge of envy at others' success, but personally I find it inspiring to see other people succeed. It proves that it IS possible, and that there is hope for the rest of us!

    I guess if I was actually querying, or ever had been, I might have a different take, i.e. 500 rejections might make me feel a bit more bitter. ;)

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  28. Interesting post. I think we all deal with jealousy in weird, unexpected forms. I'm sorry for who you're referencing, and I'm hoping it's not you! :p xoxo ((hugs))

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