Tuesday, 12 February 2013

To be hurt by the truth, or be hurt by deceit. What's your preference?

I'm not usually one to get emotional here on my blog, but something happened this morning that has had me in tears. Unexpected tears, though, because I really didn't think something that probably really has nothing to do with me would set me off like this. But I feel like I've been kicked in the gut. It feels personal and it HURTS.

To cut a long story short, there was a family member I wanted to see when I was in Australia last month, whom I haven't seen for at least ten years, and whom I used to be very close to when I was a kid. I love this person. A lot. I went to great lengths to try and get this person to travel from another state to visit, not just me, but my other family members too. I even offered to pay for their ticket. The excuses rolled in as to why they couldn't make it happen. All of which seemed bloody stupid, because if you really wanted to see your family over Xmas, there shouldn't be anything stopping you. Especially since the excuses were so damn easy to sort out.

A month later, after I've left, this person made the effort to travel interstate and visit. Can I just say again, AFTER I'VE LEFT.

It HURTS LIKE HELL.

Maybe they thought that if I could afford to pay for their ticket, I could have paid for my own and visited them myself. But that wasn't the point. The point was to come and see the WHOLE family. Not just me. Maybe this person has a valid reason for doing what they've done, and it's most likely that this isn't at all personal and they really didn't think it would be an issue. But you know what? I would NEVER do what this person has done, so I just can't wrap my head around it. And they haven't even contacted me to say what's going on, so this can only mean they are hiding from it.

Which got me thinking ... were any of the excuses honest?

I'm betting not.

I want to know why people, especially family, can't just be fucking honest with each other. This world is stuffed up enough as it is with its war and corruption, the least we can do is be honest with the people we love.

Even if that honesty is going to hurt someone, I think it's better to be hurt by the truth, than be hurt by deceit.

I don't get it.

I don't get it.

I don't get it.

What do you think? Do you think it's better to be hurt by the truth, than be hurt by deceit?

16 comments:

  1. Absolutely. I would much rather have the truth. *hugs*

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  2. My reaction is: the most important issue is you, not the other person. How you learn to react to life's put downs which occur again and again. Do you learn anything from this, and the next time something like this occurs, are you better able to cope with this? Life happens, we cause these events by our own behaviour, by the behaviour of others, or purely by chance circumstances. We can grow from these painful life experiences and so they begin to hurt less. x

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  3. As Carole Anne said above, it's a learning experience that hurts so much. But I'd much rather have the truth. Sometimes people we think we know so well aren't at all what we expect. I'm sorry this happened to you.

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  4. Honesty is the best policy vs. What you don’t know won’t hurt you. It depends. There’s no right answer. The odds are that honesty will definitely hurt you whereas deceit only hurts if you learn of it at a later date. And, of course, you have to factor motive into all of this because honesty can be more hurtful than deceit. How does any man honestly answer the question: Does my bum look big in this? I think we all like to think we’re being more honest than we probably are.

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  5. Jessica, I don't get it either. This person is clearly going through their own stuff. It could be so many things that don't have to do with you. 1) The person could have issues seeing everyone in the same place at the same time. 2) The person could have some issue that could be so minor, but because that person didn't share it with you, you're in the dark.

    You've shown you care. What else can you do? It's easier said than done, but it's no reflection on you.

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  6. Being honest is the hardest thing to do. Most don't have the guts to be honest. They don't want to show their true nature,how they feel about someone or something, so they avoid. And jealousy is a big reason people avoid others.

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  7. Family is the biggest, most tangled web we weave. Honesty is always best, but that doesn't necessarily help untangle familial messes. Sorry you're hurt. That really sucks. *hugs*

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  8. Oh, Jess, I am so sorry you got hurt in this way. How can it not "feel" personal. But as others have said, more than likely it isn't. I would much rather hear the truth, but I've found most people cannot deliver it. Either they don't know themselves what their truth is, or they have some, either conscious or unconscious, reasons for hiding the truth. In any event, we all need to learn to handle these kinds of things so they don't devastate us. Hurt is the hardest thing for me to handle. Just be gentle with yourself and try to let go. At some point, maybe you can have a conversation with this person and see if you can get to the bottom of it.
    Karen

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  9. I'm sorry, Jessica! That stuff always seems to come from family.
    I'd much rather have the truth.

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  10. So sorry, Jessica. And yeah, I'd rather have the truth. I have some very dear friends who are well known for being brutally honest with me when it counts, and I love them for it. They save me a whole heap of trouble in the long run!

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  11. Being honest is when someone wants the truth. If they aren't ready for it, I believe keeping mouth shut unless not telling them is harmful. Usually when dealt the truth bluntly, people get angry at the truth-teller and not their own situation.

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  12. So sorry to hear this. Hugs to you. I really value honesty too...but not everyone does. Since this person isn't being forthcoming, you have no idea of their motivations. Unfortunate.

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  13. This kind of thing can be so painful, but keep in mind it may not have anything to do with you. Personally, I hate traveling at holiday time. Everything's crowded, I always catch some awful disease, and people are irritable, pushy and cranky. Huge family gatherings are usually like descending into ever darker circles of hell. But most of us don't tell that "truth" out loud.

    Maybe this person has a touch of agoraphobia, like me, and would rather travel on light travel days.

    Or maybe they had a medical issue that made it difficult to travel at that time. Something they don't want to share with the whole family? Maybe traveling at a later time of year they'll be able to have their own room and be able to take care of their own need for privacy? Or maybe they had pressures at work? Lots of things can make people unable to travel at holidays. It doesn't mean they don't love you. It just means their own survival is important, too.

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  14. My vote is resoundingly with truth. I hate avoidance, although I've been guilty of it. I'm sorry for your hurt, that's never fun. It might have nothing to do with you; but I know that would be tough to assume. Would you feel comfortable asking her, after you have time to sort through the pain a bit?

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  15. When I was a kid, one of my favorite riddles asked, "Would you rather be chased by an elephant or a gorilla?" The response? "I'd rather the elephant chased the gorilla." That's kinda how I feel about your question.

    But, yes, of course, to be hurt by the truth would have to be better than having the pain exacerbated by deceit. It sucks. And I'm sorry.

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  16. *hugs*
    I'm sorry you're hurting. I'm sorry this person doesn't value how much they mean to you. Maybe after you left, s/he realized how foolish s/he was acting not visiting family and did it out of guilt. Maybe s/he just sucks.

    But YOU tried. You made the effort, and that's never the wrong thing to do. Hang in there, honey~ <3

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