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Tuesday, 24 January 2012

It's getting the better of me. Again.

Source
I'm trying to stay positive. I am. But today there is a weird sadness and frustration lurking about that I can't put my finger on. It all started yesterday when S played the Beatles (Revolver), at 8 in the morning while I was trying to get motivated for the work week ahead. Such upbeat music makes me cry. Yes ... I'm odd like that.

Here's a peek into my thought processes at the moment ...

I just entered Bitter Like Orange Peel into ABNA. Yay! ... bet I don't even make it through the first round.

I'm going to Canada in one month! Yay! ... but then I have to come back home and I bet I'll get depressed.

I'm running the Steinbeck Fest in Ithaca this year! Yay! ... I bet no-one turns up.

I've got this awesome new job which has blessed me with a little financial security! Yay! ... I bet they think I work too slow and find someone else.

My poetry collection is now out for $0.99 on Kindle! Yay! ... but hardly anyone reads poetry anymore, what's the point?

I've got these awesome ideas for my next novel! Yay! ... bet I'll never write it.

I just updated my website! Yay! ... bet no-one even looks at it.

I've got these amazing and supportive blog followers and friends! Yay! ... bet they're getting sick of me.

YIKES! These thoughts are pretty over-the-top, no? I love my life. Why aren't I lapping it up?


Okay ... I need to drink some happy thoughts juice. *off to seek happy thoughts juice so I don't hit the delete button and remove this post ...*

34 comments:

  1. Hey Jessica. Sometimes the glass does look half empty; even if it is really half full!! And I reckon science and physics and all those other things which I am no good at - would prove this to be so. Therefore, should we castigate ourselves when that is our perception? Don't get me wrong, if half full attitudes were going cheap i'd be buying myself a few! You are acknowledging all the positives (glass half full); and just expressing how you're feeling about things (glass half empty) - sounds like a really balanced outlook to me!! I promise I won't get sick of you, if you promise you won't get sick of me first - now that's a challenge for you. By the way, are you sure people don't read poetry anymore - my glass is looking mighty half empty if that were to be true. Time to pull out Marcia Hines' cover of Artie Waynes' 'From the Inside'. Empathetically yours.

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  2. I think I'll edit that to 'hardly read'. Thanks for you comment. I won't get sick of you!

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  3. Big kisses from Australia! XOXO
    Eat some choccy and watch a DVD. Or get a massage somewhere! And hell, I'll attend the thing on Ithaca if no-one else will, LOL!
    (Yeah, those might be bandaid solutions, but what I'm saying is: you rock and chocolate never hurt anyone).

    (I do the same thing with music, too, and I know what you mean particularly with The Beatles. I think that despite the 'upbeatness', there is a feeling of another time and place that is caught up within it. I can't explain it any better than that. It's almost like a sense of loss or longing or deja vu...)

    Love,
    Alli XOXOXO

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  4. We could never get sick of you. But I was feeling down in the dumps yesterday too, so I wrote something dark and mean.

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  5. Lord! There must be some emotional contagion going round in the blogosphere...I was down (or crazy) yesterday too. But nope, not getting sick of you.

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  6. I never get sick of you, Jessica. I know I lurk a lot, but I love reading your posts and comments around the blogosphere.

    I've been struggling with self doubt and frustration lately too. For me, it's because the fall season kicked my butt big time in my personal life and I'm just starting to recharge again. Don't lose faith in yourself and in your writing. And know that you're not alone.

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  7. It sounds as though you need a break - too many balls in the air. Music makes me cry if I'm the slightest bit down.

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  8. Cognitive therapy. You're aware of your thought process, and you know it's not helping, and so now all you need is a bullshit detector in the form of cognitive therapy to help you bust those negative thought-lines and get back some balance in your perspective.

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  9. Deary, when that negativity bug is nipping at you - EMAIL ME! We'll chat...in our own way. Hey, we can even share a glass of cyber wine via video chat or Skype. Heart U!

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  10. Want me to go all Ninja on that negativity for you?
    You'll be fine!

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  11. That's why you have us...because we don't believe that negative stuff! :)

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  12. Let me just say that we are all entitled to our bleak moments, and poo poo to anybody who says differently! I've got a pretty damn good life over here, and yet lately I've let some not so awesome aspects of it dominate my thoughts. But I'm working hard to focus on the good aspects!

    Still, I'm entitled to my down, pessimistic moments. Because I say so!

    And I say you are entitled to the same!

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  13. If you ask me, I think this is pretty normal. I always think like this (but ok, I know I'm not "pretty normal"). Still, I think like this all the time. It looks to me like you are trying to protect yourself from a harder thump IF one of those thoughts does come true. If you prepare for the worst, the worst won't kill you when it comes kind of thinking.

    I hope you can give yourself a break, my friend. Don't revel in the "at leasts" - at least I have this or at least I have that kind of thinking that I think we're often told to follow. Revel in the fact that you feel deeply, love even more deeply, and that you have a life where things happen deeply. That's what this life is about and where that amazing magic comes from in your writing. I've seen it. I've read it there. Keep living and feeling deeply! It makes you, YOU. :)

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  14. And by the way, I am SO not sick of you. I do not see you enough. :(

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  15. Never happen that we'd get sick of you. We love you. And those feelings live inside me as well. I'm learning to become aware of them, then try to shift my energy, kind of like the marshal arts form aikido where, if something is coming at you, you use the energy to deflect it away.
    Karen

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  16. Well you are a gloomy Gertie this morning aren't you?
    Keep on keeping on my dear. Do something nice for yourself today and remember to tell yourself how wonderful you are.

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  17. I'll leave a comment saying I like her blog, but I bet she'll never read it.

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  18. I totally understand your overwhelming fruatrations. I get like that every once in awhile. I get so involved in all the craziness that I forget to enjoy any of it...and really, my life rocks! Take a deep breath. Make a list of the things for which you're thankful. Thank the people individually. Then take a step back, close your eyes, breathe, and plunge back in!

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  19. Every time you have a negative thought like that, just counter it with a positive one. EVen if all you can say is "nah, that bad thing won't happen" it will still put you in a more positive frame of mind.
    If you do this all the time, sooner or later it just becomes your nature to be more positive. And then you'll be even happier and more stress-free

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  20. Just so you know: we are not sick of you! From a purely practical point of view, I find it helps to exercise when I'm feeling all ugh about life (which, fortunately, doesn't happen so much to me anymore) - but then you have to motivate yourself enough to do it!

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  21. Am I a bad person for laughing through this post? It just sounded too much like what goes on inside my own head to not smile. Seriously.

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  22. You sound like me - on a constant roller coaster ride of emotions.

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  23. Aww! *hugs* We won't get sick of you, and I bet all that other stuff will turn out better than you think.

    These types of thoughts do happen, though. I used to do that when I submitted something or even turned in a paper when I was in school. "I bet it is rejected." "I bet I failed." In a sad way, it helps. That way it is a mental preparedness, just in case. So, I get it.

    But I still bet it'll be better than you think. :)

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  24. <3
    I'm here if you want to talk. Those thoughts hound me like gum stuck to my shoe. Drink that positive juice and do some yoga.

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  25. We all have days like this! Hang in there! You need to stand on your head(yes, yoga) and chant No place like OOOMMM! Then hook up a java IV and you will be fine! It is moody January, after all~

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  26. I like your new look!
    Check this site out, we do different prompts and some unique prompts~
    http://withrealtoads.blogspot.com/

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  27. I like that you write honestly. If I'm down or stressed, I just don't write, which is dishonest in reality.
    And I agree re chocolate. Everything else is just food but chocolate's chocolate! I would bring you some if I lived in Athens.

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  28. Sorry you feel the way you do,
    I hope people do read poetry, I am wasting my time if they don't.

    Yvonne.

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  29. I think we all have days/times like this! It sounds from the outside like things are going pretty good!

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  30. We all have days or weeks like that. Just hang in there!

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  31. um, yay, just tell that second voice to shut the hell up. LOL. You're doing great!

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  32. It's hard sometimes, but you have to force yourself to look at the positive right along with the negative. Otherwise, why get out of bed? So work at finding that reason, no matter how small.

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  33. Now I'm feeling like I'm downright cheery in comparison :)

    At least you're still seeing both sides; which means you haven't totally given up.

    I wish you chocolate and happy thoughts Jessica.

    ......dhole

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  34. we all have our characteristics.

    i'm an optimist-realist :)

    the thing about pessimism is being aware of it. my husband is getting rather good at it. lol

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