A few years ago, I wasn't very open to making new friends. I had a couple of people I'd spend time with, and that was it. I didn't need any more. I didn't want any more. Sometimes I didn't even want anything to do with those people. Yep, loner at heart. :o)
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| e-thiaki postcards - flipping gorgeous |
But over the last couple of years, I seem to have shed a wall. Not sure what kind of wall, but I'm am so much more open to letting people in and showing my true colours. Of course, I still have my down days, but they are becoming less and less, I have noticed. This is an excellent thing.
I often wonder if this simply has to do with "growing up", or whether it's a sign that I am generally happy with my life and don't care what others think. Perhaps it's a combination of the two. But isn't it interesting, how when we are unhappy, we push the very things and people away that could change that? It really is a chicken and egg situation, isn't it!?
Common sense says it's some kind of instinctual act of protection. But protection from what? Really? When we are depressed, what are we protecting ourselves from when we hide away? Because obviously, the shit has already hit the fan. What could possibly hurt you now when you're already feeling the pain? Looking at it logically it seems ridiculous. But there is never any logic to depression. That is a given.
This post seems a little unfocused, I know. There really isn't much of a point to it, or any single question I'm seeking an answer for. All it is, is a little slice of my mind this morning. Feeling analytical. Wondering why some mornings I wake up with a smile and others a frown, for no particular reason at all. I suppose it's just life. I suppose it's just what I am ... I'm a smile in a frown and a frown in a smile.
My smile is water. My frown is heat. My writing is rain.
Do you often wake up with unanswerable questions and scattered thoughts? What do you with them?
sometimes it's our environment. Sometimes things around us are just heading in a shitty direction. And somethings, when nothing is happening on the outside at all- the emotions on the inside decide to get down and dirty. I don't have any explanations. Just one of life's mysteries. Just know you're not alone!
ReplyDeleteI've been there. And sometimes there is absolutely no reason for a down day or I can trace it back to some small insignificant event that shouldn't have mattered but it affected me.
ReplyDeleteIt's like an evil force that wants us separated from the herd because it knows we are more vulnerable when alone and isolated.
ReplyDeleteIf we weren't such complex beings the answer would probably be quite simplistic. When I'm feeling down, I don't want to 'burden' others with my presence; and I also don't want to expend the energy I don't have to feel like I am being something close to sociable. I guess that's why they call it the blues.
ReplyDeleteHermits of the world unite.
ReplyDeleteI was about your age when I found myself contemplating the same thing. I believe it's another growing pain, a way to discover more about ourselves and the world around us. I remember being in my early thirties and realizing that a lot of what I did - how I dressed and spoke - was for others around me. Living in a small town can do that to a person. So I decided to let the real me unveil herself. Slowly but surely I did. Being more comfortable in my own skin is so liberating.
ReplyDeleteI think it has a lot to do with getting older. In my twenties, I was at a party or the club almost every weekend. Now I never leave the house, except maybe to go to dinner with the family. All those people I knew when I was younger weren't really worth knowing. Well, most of them, at least.
ReplyDeleteI think it's because you are happier with yourself now.
ReplyDeleteI wake up like that all the time. I've never been a journaler but when my emotions make no sense writing is the only way to clear things up.
ReplyDeleteThose thoughts, let them take over for a while and then give myself a good talking to and chase them away.
ReplyDeleteI'm a loner at heart, too. I love spending time with friends, but I'm just introverted I guess.
ReplyDeleteThere are no reasons for unreasonable things. I wrote something similar to that in Milligan and Murphy and it was a complete eye-opener for me. All my life I’ve asked questions for which I could find no reasonable answers and even when I could they usually raised even more questions. There are consequences that follow every act but then every act is a result of things that have preceded it. I had a friend once called Sean and we used to play this game while wandering round. He’d do something innocuous like crossing the street and I’d ask him why he crossed the street. “To get to the other side?” “Why did you want to get to the other side?” “Because I’m going home and this is the way.” “Why are you going home?” “To have my tea?” “And why do you want your tea?” “Because I’m hungry. “So why are you hungry?” On and on and on we’d go and eventually—sometimes quicker than other times—the answer would be “Because God made us that way” or something along those lines. Eventually, once we got bored with the game, it became our habit on occasion to answer a question we really couldn’t be bothered answering with an, “Oh … God! It’s God’s fault.” Without being privy to what had gone on before no one could see why we found this so funny. The fact is that there’s aren’t reasons for all things. There are so many things we do because we feel like it; no reasoning has taken place whatsoever and so why look for what’s not there. I woke up this morning with a headache. I have no idea why I have a headache. There will be an explanation—probably a very technical, medical answer—but there’s no reason in any intellectual sense. One of the things I watch out for in myself as a guy with a history of depression is spending too much time pondering imponderables.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this post, Jessica. I recently just lost a friend, and it hurt. She blamed me for being withdrawn and ignoring her and for some reason she can't forgive me or give me another chance because apparently I've screwed up too many times. I can be okay with that, but a part of me wonders why she couldn't see that perhaps I was going through a really rough time and just needed someone to understand. I don't even think she tried. So possibly we're both at fault. Anyway, this is the first time, as I've read your post, that I've thought of it that way, so thank you. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm certainly glad I have you as a friend!
Thanks for following my blog, Jessica!
ReplyDelete