I've been hit with an irrational angst that everyone is going to hate my book, because I love my book. And I'm the type of person who loves things others don't.
My book is honest. It's raw. It doesn't glorify ANYTHING.
It digs deep into what people think, but never say out loud. It's very real and I think that is going to scare people away. And don't forget, it's literary, not commercial, so it's not going to be everyone's cup of tea, either.
Every feeling I flush into my main character, Melody, comes from somewhere within me. So I'm even scaring myself. I do think Melody is likable, but she's also very depressed, especially in the first third of the book, which I think will sometimes make readers cringe. But anything that makes people 'feel' something is a job well done, right? I hope so. That's what I keep telling myself.
Melody thinks things that a 'normal' person would scold themselves for even contemplating. They'd flush the thought out of their mind and get on with their 'jolly' day. Melody doesn't do this. She thinks what she wants to think. And some things are quite tragic, and I suppose, unlikable.
I even shocked myself last night when I was revising. Would you like to see what it was? Ok. *deep breath*
So, first, a little background: Alex is Melody's husband. Melody doesn't know if she loves him anymore. And to top it off he's been treating her like shit, so any moves he makes to make amends she doesn't care much about. Melody is lying on the couch cuddled up with her daughter, asleep, when Alex gets home from running some errands, or so he's led her to believe, after having another argument. He sits beside her and touches her head ...
“What?” I mouth, twitching my head from his grasp. He bends down and kisses an escaping tear from my cheek. I want to smack his head away. Make his nose bleed. I want to tell him he’s a selfish asshole and to leave me alone, that he can’t just give me a kiss and expect everything to be alright again. Or, if he can’t do that, to explain what the hell is going on in his life to cause his behavior to fluctuate so much. I want to know why he seems to hate me. I want to know why I hate him. And how I can make it stop. I want … I want know what happened to ‘happy marriage’.
“We have to talk,” I whisper, trying to sit up without waking Tessa. “We have to—”
Alex puts his fingers to my lips, nods his head, and kisses me between my eyes. He smells sweaty. His stubble scrapes my nose. I want to stick my tongue into his mouth. Fuck my anger away. Treat him like a one night stand. Then throw a couple-hundred Euros on his bedside table and walk out without saying goodbye. Then I want to have a long hot shower. Scrub away the dirt, the pain, the frustration — my irrational despair. Then call him and ask him out on a date. To start again. Without a past.
“We’ll talk. But later. For now, I’ve got cake.” Alex holds a plastic bag up in the air. “You want?”
So, there you are. I'm trying really hard not to censor myself. Because if I do, then my writing won't be real. It won't be honest. And it won't represent what I want it to represent. I'm even worried about posting this on my blog today. Afraid of what you will all think. I suppose, though, that's what it's all about, isn't it? Just like my publisher said, when she quoted me Eleanor Roosevelt, "I must do that which I fear most."
So, I'm taking the plunge. I'm afraid. And I'm laying my fear out for you all to see. So please, if you have any criticism, don't be afraid to express it, but tread lightly, because today I just feel like crying.
Have you ever had second thoughts about what you write? Have you ever censored yourself? If so, how did it feel? And what was your final decision?
I love it. It is real, it is honest, it is why fiction feels more true to me than nonfiction. It is what I believe is the best or right direction for "String Bridge." I can imagine it is very difficult, very emotionally draining, and a bit scarey. But, trust me on this, readers will connect with Melody. Her character will ring true as they read, like a pitchfork.
ReplyDeleteYou're an excellent writer Jessica, and with a good editor to help you along, your book will be amazing. And what's wrong with literary? Except that not enough people are writing it these days. Or publishing it. This is you, it's how you write, go with it. Make it your best work, and know that it will resonate with readers. Not all readers, but with YOUR readers. Those who are wanting to find questions and answers when they read, not just escape. (I'm up at 4 a.m. so am your second commenter, yay!)
ReplyDeleteYou know, the only thing you will ever have to offer is your own unique way of writing. The only thing you will ever gaurantee, published or not published, 'successful or unsuccessful' is the satisfaction you feel maintaining your integrity as a writer.
ReplyDeleteThe price you may pay for that is never being published; or perhaps being published and never being particularly successful or acclaimed or even noticed BUT you will have lived and written your own truth.
Success and talent are not synonomous and never were. But, you have a far greater chance of success if you remain true to yourself even if that means you spend years in the wildnerness before your writing is recognised. And if it is recognised early then you may still spend years in the wilderness during times it is not fashionable. Read the histories of writers. Many of the greatest writers in history were rejected time and again and barely recognised... some not until after their death. So, enjoy the writing; maintain your integrity; find satisfaction in your work and if fate, chance, luck, destiny or fortune brings you acclaim savour it for as long as it lasts and, like the victorious Roman generals of old, pray that you will have in your 'chariot' a 'companion' or 'slave' to remind you always that fame is fleeting and not what either life or success (writing) is about.
Right from the heart always and don't worry what others think. I know that is easier said than done, but you have to. If you don't write whats true to you than how can your writing be special?
ReplyDeleteMy opinion: in just that little bit you feel it. Her desire to go back and start again, but the fact that while she is thinking this she is holding their daughter tells you that she knows that can't happen. Great juxtaposition. Stay true to you.
If you write to please others, you won't please anyone.
ReplyDeleteSo your main character is challenging? It'll make people think.
I don't think people will be as put off by your real and very honest writing as you think. People have horrible thoughts all the time; most of them just don't say them out loud! So you'll probably find more people identifying with your story than being "scared away" by it, because everyone knows deep down that life isn't always rosy. And in the end I think you'll be respected for writing the real stuff. And, of course, if that's what you want to write then that's what you must write!
ReplyDeleteI love it. I can't really say more, except that it's compelling.
ReplyDeleteWhy censor yourself? After all, you're writing for you first, aren't you?
Best of luck!
I'm sure you're book will be loved by all who read it. Honesty was a virtue I was brought up to believe in and have passed it on to my own children. "To Thine Own Self Be True" is a great saying which I believe in.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with the book.
Yvonne.
I respect those who are honest and take risks. I am sure you'll be appreciated more for not riding the fence.
ReplyDeleteJess I love this! I prefer authors who don't censor-who are raw. In real life, we are raw, in the flesh. Bra-freaking-vo!!!
ReplyDeletexoxo
You have a talent with words, trust yourself, you know as a writer what is best, and Melody is helping you along the way. There was so much emotion that you captured within this piece that to censor yourself at all would leave the reader feeling empty.
ReplyDeleteJessica, you're amazing, everyone knows it. Now just write your heart out.
Jen/Jules (((HUGS)))
Although I'm not a huge fan of literary works, I do like RAW and I enjoyed this piece. I say write what is inside you, uncensored, and worry about the commercialism later. :)
ReplyDeleteJess this is very real and more people than not will identify with this even if they won't admit it.
ReplyDeleteWould you be terribly offended if I called you a blimey idiot? (Did I spell blimey right?)
ReplyDeleteStop obsessing over it. There are all types of different readers out there. As silly and playful as I may come across, I read only a handful of chick lit type books. I like deeper and darker. (I also like ghosts and demons, but that's getting off topic).
It sounds like Melody will appeal to women who know what it's like to be at a point in their lifes where they doubt everything. Those are the only people you need to be worried about. The rest don't matter.
This might just be me, but if that's an example of something that worries you, worry no more! I didn't find it the lest bit off-putting. I think we can all relate to someone who feels passionately ALL of their feelings.
ReplyDeletePersonally, I love books that are real and raw. The excerpt you shared is amazing. I LOVE that it's so raw. It really makes you feel what Melody is feeling. And I think that's what good writing is all about.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you should ever censor yourself. If you do, you'll end up not being happy with your writing. I say just write from the heart. :)
Oops, I almost forgot! I have a gift for you over at my blog today. :)
ReplyDeleteI censor myself all the time and I think it's one of those things you can't help as a writer - and it's just about pulling yourself out of it. I only wish it was an easy as it sounds :-)
ReplyDeleteThat extract is awesome.
I CAN'T BELIEVE I DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT YOUR BOOK sooner!!! Congratulations on getting published, Jessica!
I think it sounds awesome. I love raw. Look forward to reading it. ANd I think being fearless is part of being a writer... we have to put ourselves out there... air out our dirty laundry in the form of fiction. So it may not be for everyone, nothing is. The important thing is YOU believe in it.
ReplyDeletePersonally I love it. It feels very authentic, really honest. And I don't think there is any need to worry about "popular opinion". No you may not sell 100,000 copies if your novels aren't full of formulaic mysteries and plot twists like Dan Brown and James Patterson, but who cares? If you really touch 5,000 readers, or even 1,000; wouldn't you be all the happier?
ReplyDeletePowerful and well-written--you will have no trouble finding readers who appreciate you. :)
ReplyDeleteI've felt this. I think that may be more powerful than anything else I'd say, so I'll just leave it at that.
ReplyDeleteIf you write what you love, people will feel it. Characters go on journeys through books - they change and transform, and we get to watch their redemption. That's why people read fiction, to see that happen. Do what you think is honest and real, and you'll connect with readers.
ReplyDeleteIt's a very powerful passage, and I think it's going to be a great novel!
every single writer has doubts about their writing. Even the ones putting out books every year.
ReplyDeleteAlso, if you didn't write what you love, there would be no point to doing it at all
Oooo, what a great mess of emotions! It's important not to censor or you end up losing the feeling.
ReplyDeleteWow. That tore my heart out because it IS real. I can't criticize a thing because from the first sentence I was in her head, not looking at the writing. So. I think that's a good thing!
ReplyDeleteWell. Done.!
It's normal to be afraid of letting people in and see and feel YOU but it's what sells and becomes favorite books and breaks hearts, moves people, and all that.
This writing is GOOD. Its rhythm grabs you and doesn't let you go. Wow. Very powerful, Jessica. Very, very well-written. <3
ReplyDeleteGranted, the cuss words make me wince, and if I really had picked it up off the library shelf, I probably wouldn't finish reading it because of that. Because even though I loved the writing, the pricks in my personal conscience would keep it from being too enjoyable. For me. Probably not for most, and probably not for those who lean towards literary women's fiction (which I don't, just because I'm too addicted to YA).
HOWEVER, you cannot write with people's approval in mind. You're here to be Jessica Bell, and if you try to write just to win the approval of others, you'll never write something great. So write the best you can and finish knowing you did your best. That's all you can do, in the end.
And seriously, that is some legit writing. I guess you would call it 'pacing' or 'voice' - probably 'voice' - but it's stellar! Keep it up!!
Sweets, I'm so glad you got in touch with me this morning to come by and read this. No, I'm touched. So much thought and so many emotions went into this post...and yes, Melody's thoughts.
ReplyDeleteYou keep it real. There's nothing wrong with that in my book. Honesty counts. It's raw, and I for one love that. I'm not the most conventional person, either. Trust me. Being true to yourself is where your 'real writer' lies. You've found her.
((hugs))
You can only write the way that works for you. Being true to yourself is much better in the end than anything else.
ReplyDeleteYou are awesome! :)
Wow - the paragraph starting with "Alex puts his fingers..." is powerful! Love it. Truly. And I struggle with the censorship thing all the time. I think, if I write this - is it pushing the envelope or just being honest? Sometimes you just can't write for other people. Trust your gut and get the story you want to tell out there. That's all any of us can do. But, I'll bet the majority of your readers will LOVE it! Buck up! It's all good - :)
ReplyDeleteThat was a powerful paragraph! That's wonderful writing . . .
ReplyDeleteI sometimes wonder about what I write, too.
I can understand being scared to share your words. Writing is intensely personal - anyone who says otherwise hasn't connected with their work. So, yeah, it makes sense that you're feeling vulnerable, but please believe me when I tell you that you have *nothing* to worry about. It's the sticky discomfort that makes your work so relate-able and brilliant. If I wanted to read about safe niceties, I'll open my Betty Crocker cookbook. Make it raw and real and the things that we don't often say - that's how you will connect with your readers. You're on the right track. Keep up the great work!
ReplyDeleteIt is frightening to be so honest, but you must be true to your character. I think holding back will only lead to your readers knowing that something is missing.
ReplyDeleteKeep going strong! It's good stuff!
I constantly question myself. But only when it comes time for other people to read it. And its even worse while querying. Suddenly I question every little thing. But in your case, I think what will really attract people is the reality in what is written and the raw emotion of it. Don't worry about censor, you do your thing. If you build it, they will come...:)
ReplyDeleteI like it. This writing is strong, it's technically sound, and it has heart. Don't be afraid, be true to your characters.
ReplyDeleteI know that's scary. I've grown up listening to readers decide an author IS their characters, and that's not true. It's your ability to imagine the scene and then fill it with as much honesty as you can. And I think you've done a great job!
Oh, as for your questions: yes, yes, dishonest, kept it~ :o) <3
You have to write for yourself and be honest, otherwise you will never be truly happy with your book. People WILL want to read it -uou are a talented writer. Of course not everyone will like it, but that's life. Don't let your doubts get you down x
ReplyDeleteYou'd better not censor yourself, Jessica, not if the alternative is passages as powerful as this one. You wouldn't want to deprive your readers, now would you?
ReplyDeleteI've been having second thoughts about one of my chapters ever since I wrote it. Not because it's too raw, but because it may cross a line the rest of the novel doesn't. It stays in for now; that's what beta readers are for. (Next step: find me some beta readers.)
This is well written. I think there are many women out there that can relate to an abusive husband, boyfriend, father. It is sad but true. As for me, I fear the same thing as you do. The first book is scary. We don't have any fans to say, "I love it." The best we can do is to be true to our selves. As for second guessing my own work, that would be all the time. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteNancy
N. R. Williams, fantasy author
All you can do is be true to your characters and yourself. If you try to pretty it up, it sounds false. I liked your sample very much.
ReplyDeleteThis is someone I want to know more about, the side of people that we rarely get to see in real life. I imagine a lot of women feel this way at one time or another.
I'm more anxious than ever to read this book now. (it sounds like a great book club read to me.)
I'll be honest - there are times when I am put off by the use of the "F" bomb. There, I said it. However, I was not bothered AT ALL by it in your writing. It fits. It's right and perfect and real for what's going on. You didn't throw it in for shock value, and it doesn't feel forced. It's just a natural piece of a larger puzzle. This excerpt is awesome, Jessica. I love the raw emotion. And I especially love the cake!! :-)
ReplyDeleteReal, raw--isn't that what writing is about? I found your paragraphs compelling.
ReplyDeleteWhat is shocking for one person won't be for another. It's all so subjective! Your paragraphs are real and powerful. Don't back away from what you truly need - and want - to write.
ReplyDeletehi miss jessica! yikes! you got back in that not believing in YOU stuff. ack! for sure that agent couldnt want to publish your book if she got thinking people could hate it. you just gotta stop thinking like that and get back to knowing your a really good writer cause you are!
ReplyDelete...big hugs from lenny
The truth has a way of resonating with people, even when it makes them uncomfortable--ESPECIALLY when it makes them uncomfortable. Just write the truth as you see/know it, and the rest will work itself out.
ReplyDeleteI read your post this morning at 6:00 a.m., and would have been your first comment, but I had to rush out to work. :-) My opinion is still the same as it was this morning. I love what you wrote. Art in all its forms is a risky business. You can't let doubt creep in or it will rule you. You've got to trust your inner voice. When it rings true, people will know it, and I think you've seen from all the previous posts that people are relating to what you've written. That's a powerful thing, and you should hold on to that. I know how you feel. It's scary to let people see all those vulnerable sides. But what's interesting is that usually, they are feeling the very same way. Best of luck to you! I'm looking forward to reading your novel!
ReplyDeleteI think it rings true. I guess my only tidbit of critique would be feeling like that while she's holding Tessa. I got the impression that Tessa was sleeping on her, or next to her or something. That she was clearly visible. But that may be just me. Again, I think it rings true.
ReplyDeleteI'd much rather read this than something syrupy and built for marketing. I think you should keep at it.
ReplyDeleteThat extract you put up was awesome, moreso because it was raw, and therefore real (the cake thing works like a charm though, if I irriate or otherwise anger my fiancée, cake and a cup of tea settles the rage a little :P). I've been forced to censor myself in the name of academic credibility (because most stuffy historians lack a sense of humour) but I don't like it one bit. Don't worry about censoring yourself. People will love your work because it's honest and raw, and that makes it something special :)
ReplyDeleteI think real and honest makes for the best books. There needs to be something real in a story for the reader to become invested and involved in it.
ReplyDeleteI loved it.
ReplyDeleteReal hurts, but fake is fake. Some readers want fake.
Put me in the pile that doesn't.
loved it.
~bru