I've been line editing some of my revisions on String Bridge, and realised that sometimes I spend excessive amounts of time making sure I have the perfect sentence.
For instance, I wanted to describe Melody and Alex having a fight. But that's boring, just saying they might fight. So then I thought, "Hmm, what animal makes a ridiculous sound when it screams?" Then I remembered ... the Tasmanian Devil has a MEAN scream.
So I looked them up on YouTube. I spent about ten minutes finding the perfect video that represented what I wanted Melody and Alex to sound like. And I eventually found one. So I think I spent around fifteen minutes, in total, constructing this one sentence:
Perhaps if we have the opportunity to vociferously disgrace each other like two squabbling Tasmanian Devils, we’ll end up having a civilized ‘chat’.
I know I use an adverb in there, but come on, innit, a cool one? :o)
So you wanna hear what they sound like?
So how about you? What lengths can you go to, to create the perfect sentence?
Monday, 29 November 2010
37 comments:
“I'm using my art to comment on what I see. You don't have to agree with it.” ~John Mellencamp
“Allowing an unimportant mistake to pass without comment is a wonderful social grace” ~Judith S. Marin
“I don't ever try to make a serious social comment.” ~Paul McCartney
“I'd make a comment at a meeting and nobody would even acknowledge me. Then some man would say the same thing and they'd all nod.” ~Charlotte Bunch
“Probably what my comment meant was that I don't care about the circumstances if I can tell the truth.” ~Sally Kirkland
“We're not going to pay attention to the silliness and the petty comments. And quite frankly, women have joined me in this effort, and so it's not about appearances. It's about effectiveness.” ~Katherine Harris
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They really do sound like the cartoon character!
ReplyDeleteI'll keep coming back to a problem sentence and rewording it. Again. And again!
I never think I write the perfect sentence. I'm always revising. I need intervention!
ReplyDeletePlease don't get mad at me, but to me that adverb really garbles up the sentence. I can imagine it in prose, but not in dialogue. I think it sounds more like what someone would really say without it. It might just be me, though.
ReplyDeleteIt is prose :o)
ReplyDeleteI can never keep my sentences still. Just last night I wanted to use "murder of crows" as a metaphor but "flock of crows" seemed easier to understand. I'm still debating.
ReplyDeleteI def. take a pass to change any vague sentences to stronger ones. That's a good example, Jessica!
ReplyDeleteLOL! Love your sentence, adverb and all. :)
ReplyDeleteJessica,
ReplyDeleteThis is why editing takes me FOREVER... When I write it is often a rush to pour all of my thoughts onto paper, and then I go back. I have often spent 10 minutes staring at one sentence. Then I change one word. Then I change it back. Then I change it again.
I'm glad to know I am not the only nuerotic!
Cool sentence. Even with the DREADED adverb. Adverbs are needed sometimes. :)
ReplyDeleteThe PERFECT sentence is hard to find. I try and try, write and rewrite. But woe is me, it ALWAYS takes me at least ten drafts. I write MG so my sentences are shorter than YA or adult. I like to think myself crafty, but it just takes TONS of hard work, doesn't it? :)
Holy XX, they sound um...yeah. Why did I think they were bigger???
ReplyDeleteCrafting a sentence, humm...I'll admit, sometimes I stress over it. I think it's a gut feeling, like I just know it's not quite there yet. I'll leave it and then come back for another peak. Usually that gives me my answer.
I can stress for 30 minutes on a sentence and then the next day delete it without too many tears. It's all part of being a writer. :)
ReplyDeleteThat's an awesome sentence! (and yikes! I don't want to meet any screaming t-devils!).
ReplyDeleteI think I need to revisit my sentences even more so....
My problem is I'll often spend time "fixing" a sentence which didn't need fixing. Realize the "fixed" version sucks and go back to my original anyway (if I can remember it).
ReplyDeleteIt's probably the musician in you. I have that problem as well, and doesn't ease of Internet access make procrastinating so much easier? ;p
ReplyDeleteI love you, and I'd ditch that adverb. Esp. if this is dialog. Breaks the flow and splits the infinitive~ :D Otherwise, love it--T.D.s esp!
Leigh: You think? It's not dialogue, though. Man, I love that adverb. Bloody split infinitive.
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ReplyDeleteGood grief - no wonder you're so brilliant. I would say in my entire MS there are very few as perfect sentences as this one :-)
ReplyDeleteThat is a MEAN scream! And your sentence is a great example of how to properly use an adverb. :-)
ReplyDeleteWhen I sat down to write what turned out to be the first sentence to my first novel I gave it absolutely no thought whatsoever. I just started clacking away on the keyboard as you do. Over the next five years I played with that sentence adding in the proverbial comma and taking it out again. After it was finally in print I dug out a copy of the first draft of the book (when it was only about 23000 words long) and do you know what? My opening sentence was exactly the same as when I first wrote it. And I’m still not completely happy with it.
ReplyDeleteI personally edit constantly. It’s why it takes me so long to write a book because I'm always fiddling with it, going back to the beginning, rereading and editing as I go. Sentences don’t stand alone. I’ve written some great sentences but when you hear them in context they spoil the flow of the paragraph and need tweaking and, of course, as soon as you make one tweak it affects what’s going to follow. Getting a book to flow from first page to last is a hard job.
Hahaha! Oh wow, those little buggers are scary! Great sentence though.
ReplyDeleteI'm constantly tickering with sentences. Rearranging, trying different words. I don't know if I ever have the perfect sentence.
ReplyDeleteI must know do you do that with every sentence?
ReplyDeleteIf a sentence doesn’t read write I'll rework it until it does.
LOL. No. Not every sentence :o)
ReplyDeletePerfect is such a scary word! I try to avoid it when I can ;)
ReplyDeleteI try not to keep coming back to a sentence. Insanity waits there. LOL. Sometimes I do spend extra time because I just can't find the right words for what I want the reader to imagine. After watching that video, I'm a little afraid of the dark. Creepy sound.
ReplyDeleteI'm still hammering out my first draft, so I'm not quite at that stage yet; but I do sometimes fuss over sentences! Finding just the right word can be hard.
ReplyDeleteLOL! That is so fabulous. I am grinning with the sheer brilliance of it what fun! :O)
ReplyDeletethe pefect sentence is what comes from your heart and sounds real. If we follow all the rules our MCs will never sound normal.
ReplyDeleteLove your process. I am SO NOT THAT PERSON. But then I write genre stuff, not literary.
ReplyDeleteMy opinion on the sentence--there is a DEFINITE voice to it. It comes across as either smart and pissed or pedantic--it stops up the sentence, but if her voice is always a little snide then I don't think it's a problem. I can definitely picture someone thinking that way, but I think I'd only like her if this is snide humor, not if she is being superior.
Now that's voice.
ReplyDeleteLove the sentence.
~bru
The thesaurus is my best friend at times like those. I'll just start searching for all kinds of different words until I come across the perfect one and that will transform the sentence (or start it on it's way). I struggle over dialogue tags (he said, she said) because I always want to find the perfect word to express how the character should be saying something. There's only so many you can use though, so I try not to twist myself into knots too much!
ReplyDeletePerfect! You just solved one of my big re-write dilemmas. I heart you today!! :-)
ReplyDeleteThere are sentences that call attention to themselves by being too jarring or too pretty. Both kinds have to go.
ReplyDeleteMood establishing sentences are hardest for me : to evoke a mood without calling attention to my efforts is quite difficult.
I write in my own voice, keeping in mind the two settings of Boston and Southern California, then let my editor clean up my gerunds and poor grammar and syntax. I keep things simple. Low maintenance.
ReplyDeleteThats why I'm such a slow writer! I sit and try to think of the perfect sentence, or the perfect word, or the perfect phrase. It's neverending!
ReplyDeleteThat's a damn good adverb :) If there was a particular image I wanted to convey, I'd spend ages on a single sentence if need be. Better to overthink it than underthink it, eh?
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ReplyDelete