Monday 26 July 2010

After 30 years of lies, trust sounds like a hiss and a spit.

Say it over and over again and it doesn't sound so secure. It sounds like a hiss and then a spit. A hiss to scare the wits out of you, and then a spit because it doesn't actually taste as good as you thought. It sounds and tastes like a caution "taste me in small doses, because I can be deceiving."

Why, when we love someone, do we trust so easily?
Why, when we love someone, do we just expect it in return?
Why, when we love someone, do we believe that what we see is what we get?
Why, when we love someone, do we want to trust them more than anything?
Why, when we love someone, do we allow trust to be broken over and over again?
Why, when we love someone, and that trust is broken, do we lie to ourselves and say we will overcome it, and then pretend to trust them?
Why, when we love someone, and trust someone with all our hearts, do we lose trust in ourselves?

What would you do, if the only person you have loved and been devoted to for the last 30 years, breaks your trust? Not only breaks your trust, but makes you realise, that everything you thought was true over the last 30 years, is not, and you have actually been devoting yourself to a compulsive liar, and believing everything, simply because you love them, and trust them?

You feel a fool. You want to run. But you can't. Because you're haunted by the love, the history between you, what you thought was real, and you think you are going to get it back, but deep down, you know you won't, because trust is now a caution. It's a hiss and a spit. It's telling you to get out - to get out before is hisses and spits again - and again - and again - until you are so heartbroken that you don't know how to live any more.

(this is not about me, folks - so please don't be alarmed)


  1. I'm sorry! All we can do is trust though, because we want to believe.

  2. J,
    I'm going to have to agree with Alex, trust is a strong 'thing' and it's the basics of our love, though, we've also got to learn to trust what's in our heart the most.

  3. Ooohhh trust is a hard one. It has to be earned, and if something breaks it, it's really hard to get it back.

  4. Thankfully it's not about you but it certainly sounds like it's about me although I only had 5 years and not 30.

    When the trust is gone you have to leave. There is no reason to stay. Lies can't be undone and once the trust is gone, no matter how hard you try, you can never ever give it 100% again. There'll always be the smallest piece of you that won't listen.

  5. This is a hard one. I've seen it happen to others, and it took them along time to trust again. And not just the one who had betrayed their trust. That trust was never regained--for good reason.

    I'm so glad it wasn't about you, Jessica. You had me worry for a moment.

  6. Thankfully, this is not about you.

    But in a way, it is. It is about all of us.

    Love. Trust.

    The two are linked like wheels of a bicycle with the chain. When the links are broken, the bicycle goes nowhere.

    To the person who had loved for 30 years -- you are no longer that person who first fell in love. Neither is the one with whom you fell in love.

    In fact, he may have never been that person with whom you fell in love. When we are young and fall in love, we fall in love with only an illusion of a person. We do not see that person as she or he is.

    Perhaps she saw what she needed to see, not what was there.

    Perhaps the man was an opportunist, only too happy to play the role she needed to get what he wanted.

    As we grow, we choose paths, people, and pairings. Sometimes they lead to good places. Other times they only lead to hard-won wisdom.

    Thanks, Jessica, for visiting my blog and leaving such great comments. No, I haven't gotten an agent yet. It's beginning to look like I never will. There are worse fates.

    Have a lovely vacation, Roland

  7. I love this - so intense. Trust is such a tricky one, and it's almost impossible to get back again once it's broken.

  8. We trust and love becuase we need it. We crave it as human beings, and whomever broke your trust is less than worthy of it.
    Get out (for the time being-not saying to leave for good...but..) take a break and find God for yourself, seek Him out and His strength in the midst of human folly.

    And we stop trusting ourselves becuase if someone we felt was so right was so wrong...then maybe I'm...(insert condecending, hurtful, self-analyzing comment here)

  9. Trust is so important that, if its lost, it's so hard to recover.

  10. Thanks for the caution at the end :) I was worried for a moment.

    This is tough because love can be so strong, and even though you were lied to all those years (which was a VERY LONG TIME) that person was strong enough to tell you the truth, that also shows love. Tough isn't it? That's why they say love is never easy.

  11. Beautiful words! And tragic at the same time... But you have to trust, otherwise you end up as House:)

  12. Trust is a gift that can't be re-gifted once it's taken away.
    Great post. Intense!

  13. That reminded me of a friend. I held her on her 35th WA, she was in tears, her husband had left her for a younger woman. Sad, her trust had been shattered.

  14. Losing trust is like your heart breaking. And the most devastating part is blaming yourself for the lost trust.

  15. VERY intense post!

    I think heartbreak comes in two parts: the part that truly feels the loss of the other to whom we were so devoted; and the part that is the lost trust, which is rolled into the ego. We cannot believe we were so "stupid", so "naive", so "ignorant". And it hurts us to think less of ourselves and our beloved. I really believe love is love is love, whether the beloved is worthy or not. It is good and clean and bright and doesn't care whether or not it is duped or deceived. Ego is trickier. And it isn't always bright or clean. I say, love who you love fully. Don't wait for the sky to fall, then deal with it when (if) it does. It hurts, but it is a rare person to go through life without this excruciating but cathartic experience...


  16. Love and trust are inseperable. I think that's all there is to it. And when trust is broken, there are two doses of really hard reality. One is, of course, the betrayal itself. The other, and what is often harder to take and understand, is that it doesn't make the other person a villain. More often than not, it doesn't mean that thirty years have been a lie. It means that the person really REALLY screwed up.
    Obviously, I don't know your situation - and I'm so sorry you're going through this pain - but if the person has truly deceived you for thirty years, and they never really loved you, then you shouldn't waste your love on them. If they have loved you, and have just acted selfishly, or stupidly... well, it's a little different.

  17. When you love and trust someone
    we automatically the other person feels the same, sadly not always the case.
    Lovely to have you back.

  18. Dangit, girl, I need a pick-me-up, something funny, witty, you know, something to get the crud off my head, because it feels like crud in my head today.

    It's felt like crud for a few days. Ugh. I hate that.

    And now you post THIS!

    Thanks a lot.

    All right. Here's something not so moo-mooey.

    Sic em on a chicken

    The vid stinks, but the song is great, love it. I laugh everytime I hear that song, especially the last verse with that rooster.

    Cheers, mate.

    - Eric

  19. Yikes! My heart was racing - I'm so glad you included the disclaimer. But it is about someone I think and that breaks my heart.

    Trust is hard to win, easy to destroy.

  20. Jess, I was so worried for the first 98% of this post! Thank goodness it wasn't written in reaction to something in your life. But let me tell you this: your writing here is brilliant, and emotional, and I couldn't have stopped reading if there'd been more. You have a real gift, sista!

  21. This is true. I can think of specific incidents in my own life like this.
    "A hiss and a spit" Very poetic.

  22. I'm also glad to hear this wasn't about you - my mind was reeling as I read it.

    However, this post is very interesting and really makes you think of how one thinks about trust.

  23. Frankly, I am shocked and surprised that I should read this, as it, unfortunately, describes me and my behavior toward my wife for the past 30 years. It has taken me this long and some catastrophic events to get me to realize how wrong I was for lying for these 30 years, not just to my wife, but really, to myself primarily, but also to all of my friends and family. It has been incredibly damaging to all involved and it is amazing to read a post like this that is actually unrelated and not directed to her or I, but does actually sums up our situation perfectly. And, there is no going back after such damaging behaviour, no matter how much regret, the trust is broken for ever!


“I'm using my art to comment on what I see. You don't have to agree with it.” ~John Mellencamp

“Allowing an unimportant mistake to pass without comment is a wonderful social grace” ~Judith S. Marin

“I don't ever try to make a serious social comment.” ~Paul McCartney

“I'd make a comment at a meeting and nobody would even acknowledge me. Then some man would say the same thing and they'd all nod.” ~Charlotte Bunch

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