Why armpits are a useful tool for suffocation ...

Source

It's one of those days where I have no idea what to write. I'm sitting here, with my fingers lightly touching the home keys, staring at the screen and my very orange signature I'm still not sure I like. I can feel the energy zing below my fingertips, they're screaming, "Make me play hopscotch! Make me jump!"

I scream back, "Shut up! I'm thinking!"

Silence. Stillness. Zing ...

My fingertips groan and break out in a sweat anticipating their possible next move, "You are pathetic. You just scored a job that's making you giddy, and you're not going to let us type up your hype?"

My middle finger twitches ...

"Hey! How rude!" I lift my hands, which are now as heavy as concrete due to my fingers insisting they remain firmly on the keys, but I manage to yank them away and suffocate them in my armpits.

"Look. I'm sorry. But it's confidential ... I'll resuscitate you tomorrow."

I hate clothes.

I don't like to wear clothes. Ever since I began working at home and have accumulated at least a weeks worth of jersey clothing to wear over and over ... and over again, I don't like to get dressed. Jersey, or some soft equivalent is all I wear in the house. It's comfortable, soft, and it hardly feels like I'm wearing any clothes at all. Because, I hate clothes.

I hate when things are too tight and feel like they're cutting into my skin. I hate when things are scratchy and make me itch. I hate when things are stiff and I can't bend my limbs without hearing my clothes shift. I hate when its winter and I have to wear a million layers to keep warm and it makes my body feel weighed down.

Also, if I could spend my life in a loose summer dress, in winter temperatures, I'd be a happy girl. Oh, did I mention I don't like summer much either, but love summer clothes? Bad luck for me, I guess. See, jersey has turned me into an eccentric. Embarrassing. But at least online it's entertaining, right?

I hate jeans, turtleneck sweaters, tights, stockings. I hate clothes. I hate getting dressed. Um ... any chance I could just spend my life naked and free? Hart? Got any ideas?

So, do you like clothes?

Have a great weekend everyone. See ya on Monday!

A morning in the life of me: How my man distracts me from nagging ...

ME: Ela, Re! (Come on, Man!) *I crash the dishes about in the sink* You've left your Greek coffee sludge to dry in your cup again. I've been asking you for FIVE years to wash it out. It's disgusting. Every time I wash the dishes I have to stick my hand in what looks like shit infested dishwater.
HIM: *rolls eyes* Well, stop leaving your hair in the sink.
ME: *laughs* I'll stop leaving my hair in the sink when you start emptying your sludge.
HIM: No, I'll start emptying my sludge when you stop leaving your hair in the sink.
ME: Malakies mou les twra, etsi? (You saying crap now, right?) Just because you don't know what it's like to have hair! What would you like me to do, exactly? Scour the bathroom for strands of hair I can barely see?
HIM: *ignores me and goes to his office*
ME: Ok. Fine. From now on I don't wash your coffee cups, and then see how you like it when you run out, and have to wash them yourself.
HIM: Ela tho, re vlaka. (Come here, you cute idiot).
ME: Ti? (What?) *I walk into office*
HIM: Can you tell me if this is correct?
ME: *I totally forget about coffee sludge, sit in his lap, and edit his email out loud*

PS: Thanks to all who entered the Giveaway yesterday! :o) And welcome to all the new faces! I hope you enjoy you time here. If you are new, and haven't commented, please do so that I can follow you right back as some of you haven't made your blogs accessible via your profile pages. If you haven't signed up for the giveaway yet, you can do so HERE.

I've also decided that if any winners of the Amazon gift cards would like to trade it for 'a surprise something Greek', you will be very welcome to! I will update the giveaway post with this info too.

Have a great weekend everyone!

You want the BAD or the GOOD news first?

Air ya gun? Who can guess what that means? Say it out loud ... think thick Australian accent ... figured it out yet?

Air ya gun? = How are you going?

Ok. Now that I got that out in the open, what would you like to hear first? The BAD or the GOOD news? Well, I could start with the good, to brighten up your Monday, but then the bad might leave you in a bad mood. So let's start with the bad, and end with the good shall we?

The BAD news is:

I stubbed my toe when I got out of bed.

Due to stubbing my toe I dropped my mobile phone.

Due to dropping my mobile phone I woke up my beloved and he got snarky.

I dropped the soap in the shower this morning.

On my way back up from picking up the soap I banged my head on the wall because I lost balance (sorry folks, I am NOT a morning person, but I'm trying to juggle so many things at the moment that getting up early creates more time for me to be clumsy and waste it)

The ice flew across the kitchen as I was trying to put it in my iced coffee this morning.

The wind was so strong on the balcony that it toppled a chair over on my way out and whacked my leg. It hurts. Mummy, I need a bandaid. Preferably with fairies on it.

Guess what happened to my coffee when the chair banged my leg? Yep. You guessed it. I dropped it. Thank goodness I was using a plastic cup. See, this is when the day started to shine a little more brightly. Then ...

Came the GOOD news:

I got talking to the wonderful Elizabeth Mueller on gmail.

She is kindly donating a RUNNER-UP PRIZE FOR THE WRITING SHOW CONTEST!!!!! (I have updated the contest post with this info too) How COOOOOOL is that?????

The RUNNER-UP PRIZE is:

A $15 Barnes and Noble gift card.

An illustration, drawn by the wonderfully talented Elizabeth! All you have to do is provide her with a summary of your WIP and she'll illustrate a mock cover of it for you! How awesome is that?

To see the FULL DETAILS OF THE CONTEST CLICK HERE!!!!

Happy Monday everyone! Mine is beginning to look up! :o)

You Want Me To Order Beetroot Compost? What?

My experience of Greek Menus ...

Beetroot Compost

(How long has it been rotting? "Beetroot Compote")

God Soup

(Do I get to eat it in Heaven? "Cod soup")

Lamp in Lemon Sauce

(That'll be light. "Lamb in Lemon Sauce")

Rubbit with Onions

(Rub what? "Rabbit with Onions")

Smoked Summons

(I'd like to summon someone fresh, thanks. "Smoked Salmon")

Roast Cot

(I hope there was no baby in there when you put it in the oven! "Roast Rooster" 'chicken' in Greek is 'cota', there's the logic in that one)

Have you ever come across some funny typos while visiting another country? Please share!

Wasn't I supposed to leave?

Yes.

Still no fuel.

Don't you think that's cruel?

Greece, you're a touristic jewel.

But also an insensitive mule.

Should you look up the definition of 'rule'?

Yes, I think you should, you heartless tool.

What are you trying to do?

Perhaps I should sue?

Yeah, but who?

Poo.

(The sound that accompanies this Greek gesture is 'nah' - which basically means 'fuck you you fucking wanker'. Yes, this is the parliament building in the background.)
 

(PS: Count the syllables in each line of the poem. Notice anything?)

(PPS: If on Monday I post again, it means I'm still here. Ugh.)

(PPPS: Who wants a margarita, made by moi? I make 'em GOOOOD. I used to run a bar. Yes, I did. I bet you didn't know that, huh, huh?

And I used to like to make broom broom noises while I was actually riding a motorbike - you'd think the real thing was enough, I know.)

Question for ya: What is the first sign of aging?

My answer: When 20 somethings stop gawking, but 60 somethings do. Ugh.

How about you? What's your answer?

EngRish FunNies

This morning I received an email that had me in stitches and I thought I'd share it's wonderful and hilarious content. Prepare to be pResentary SurpWised ...

Happy fWiday EveWyone!

Lost for words ... or not.

Today is the day I've been expecting to arrive sooner or later. The day when I'm lost for blog post words.

So I'm just going to tell you this:

I'm tired.

My hair is a mess.

I have to work when I want to write.

I want to write every spare moment I have but I also want a holiday.

I can't find anyone to look after my dog so that I can go on holiday and I'm pissed off.

I have to pay stupid amounts of money to the government for being self-employed - BASTARDS.

I want to buy myself DVDs - simple little pleasures but I can risk not having spare money in case something breaks - because something always breaks when you buy something unnecessary - it's just the law of the land.

My dog's claw dug into my right middle finger tip this morning (HOW?) and it hurts to type with it.

The dishes have piled up and I can't bear to look.

We need milk and I can't be bothered getting any - so I'm drinking black coffee - yuk.

I have mail waiting for me to pick it up at the post office and I can't be bothered getting it - for freakin' sake just learn to deliver to people's doors like normal countries. Ugh.

My wallet is empty - need to go to the bank. If I go to the bank, I might as well go to the post office, and if I go there, I might as well get some milk. No. I won't go to the bank. (Spilio? You got any cash?)

I should finish writing these teacher's notes. Yes. Can't be avoided. (takes sip of coffee, UGH! no milk! Oh, we don't have any. Perhaps I should go buy some. Spilio, you got any cash? Oh, don't worry, I'll go to the bank. What's that? You want me to pick up your mail? Really? I have to walk all the way down there? Crap. I might as well get mine, then.)

Life is a monotonous pain in the butt today. But that being said, I think I like it. Does it really have to take a whole blog post of rant to make me realise the goodness in not having to commute to work and the goodness in being able to cuddle my dog whenever I like?

Ah, Holly Bolly Wally Wood, I wuv you ... you always make evewyfing wuvwey. Thanks for hewping me wif my work, I couldn't do it wifout you ...

GUILT-FREE SPOUSAL RANTS WANTED

Once upon a time there was a girl named Jess

(Me - and no, not once upon a time, I'm still alive and kicking, well typing as this moment may have it, typing really hard, SHIT, I'd better slow down or I'll break my keyboard ...)

Who involuntarily lived in dog-pooey mess

(You know, I would really appreciate once in a while for my 'better half' to pick up his FRESHLY WASHED clothes up off the floor, or wipe up his crumbs after making a sandwich. Or, you know what? Don't let the dog shit accumilate in the corner of the balcony for a whole week, ESPECIALLY IN THIS HEAT, and expect me to clean it up. You said we'd alternate poo-pick-up days. That does not mean, that on my poo-pick-up day off it should stay there!

And is it really necessary to have to ask me how to make a salad? I mean, making a salad shouldn't be that difficult, really. He pulls all the ingredients out of the fridge, then looks at me, holding the lettuce in his hand, and says:
"Now what?"
I say, "Um ... oh, I don't know. I think we have to boil it first. What do you think?")

Frustrated by the stench

She put the dog poo on the kitchen bench

And ... ugh, she's kidding herself; he couldn't care less.

Right ladies and gentlemen, now that I've got that off my chest, what have your 'better halves' done lately to frustrate you? Take this opportunity to rant about their most unimportant annoying attributes, guilt free. I'm here, and listening, and not judging, and not going to tell you to focus on the reason why you love them, the reason why you married this person, or had kids with them. We all know that you wouldn't be with them if the positive didn't outweight the negative, but we all know, don't we, that sometimes, just sometimes, we need to nag, rant, hassle, we need to say what pisses us off no matter how small and insignificant it is compared to the bigger picture. Today my comments section shall be devoted to complaints. :o) So, knock yourselves out bloggers and bloggerettes!

Ready, Set ... Rant!

Part H: Henrietta - The Happy Hippy from Helsinki

Henrietta was a happy hippy from Helsinki. She engaged in hopeful hankypanky every day with Harold the holidaymaker. But one day Harold became a hoodwinking holidaymaker and he broke her heart. She was humiliated, and began to hoard hardworking hamsters in her holiday home in the Himalayas.

She decided she just had to find Harold the hoodwinking holidaymaker and have him hypnotized to think he was a hamster himself. She would have him hemmed in with her hamsters until all humanity subsided him. Without hesitation, she hired a hit man to hang round Harold's home in Hollywood.

However, little did she know, he was a human hoarder. He hid them in his basement and had hell's angels feed them horrible hippopotamus meat. But! He broke her heart because he 'honest to holy heaven' had fallen hysterically in love with Henrietta the Happy Hippy and wanted to set her free.

Meanwhile, the hit men took some happy snaps and had them sent to Henrietta. She was horrified! How could she have been so half-witted? She asked the hit man take her to Harold the holidaymaker's home, but before he could hurry her away, one of her hamsters had her for lunch.

Henrietta was no longer a happy hippy from Helsinki - she was horrid horse manure.

And the moral of this heartfelt story is ... ?

Check out this AWESOME Challenge!

Want to participate in the "Blog Boggled: Blogging From A to Z April Challenge" just for the fun of it?

Tossing it out blog has set forth a challenge to all bloggers for the month of April. She asks: "Can you post every day except Sundays during this month? And to up the bar, can you blog thematically from A to Z?" Whatcha reckon? Read more about it here.

My Dalmatian Doggiewoggie

For lack of literary ideas today, I've decided to talk about my dalmatian doggie called Holly, a.k.a. Holly Bolly Wallywood. At night, I sometimes wonder if she thinks we change her name to 'ON YOUR BED!' Holly holds a huge place in my heart. She can do high-fives, and she's always weady with the hugs when I need them. Everyday's a 'Hollyday', for her. She lays lazily, whenever she wants. Gets to play ball whenever she wants. I would wuv to be a doggiewoggie, wouldn't you?

Seriously Silly Smiles

Seriously, I've been sillily smiling since I smeared my face with soap this morning. Happy about what, I have no hope in hell of knowing. Happy about having to hurry to finish some work? No. Happy hearing about the horrendous hail in my home town? No. Have you ever just woken up and felt head-over-heals happy with out any reason? Well hey, I have! There are usually so many thick theoretical thoughts cluttering the pathways of creation, but today things seem different. Today I tossed the temptation to whine in the trash - and you know what I revealed? I revealed enthusiasm. Life's too short, I've decided. And seriously silly smiles, no matter how seriously stupid they seem, are worth looking seriously silly and stupid for. So, seriously, who cares that 'sillily' isn't a word. From today it is. "I've decided," says Allo smiling sillily.