“So, what kind of music are you into? I mean really into. The stuff you listen to at home,” I asked, feeling quite confident about myself perched up on a bar stool, legs crossed and in my slinky black skirt and psychedelic beads caressing my hardly-there and well-covered breasts. Thankfully, my rockabilly hairdo found the right day to stay in place. “You know, the stuff that moves you,” I continued after a few seconds of silence, wondering if I had asked a bad question.
The Frangelico felt soft and warm in my throat. My voice slid through my red lips like water over oil. I had a great deal of confidence that night and it needed to break free. I could feel Max’s body heat through his thighs as he stood leaning his elbows against the bar slowly sipping his Vat 69. He had his head facing toward the rows and rows of alcohol bottles behind the bartender—the very old, classy bartender who had worked there for thirty years and seemed to have had an obsession with wiping the bar dry.
“The Kinks, Dead Kennedys, Elvis Costello. You?” Max answered, turning to face me on the “you.”
“PJ Harvey, Nick Cave, Joni Mitchell,” I replied, smiling so hard my lips hurt.
“Nice.” Max nodded and turned his head to face the bar again.
“Get into a bit of trip hop now and then. Nightmares on Wax—stuff like that,” I added, trying to get his attention.
“Trip hop, hey? Unusual.”
“Why?” I put my drink down and reached for some nuts. “Why is that unusual?” As I put the nuts in my mouth, one escaped and dropped into my crotch. I pretended I hadn’t noticed and slowly opened my legs a bit to let it drop to the floor.
“Well, Greek girls don’t usually mix tastes like that.” Max put down his drink.
“Well, I’m not a Greek girl, am I?” I could feel an expression of quirky innocence show on my face. I didn’t want to be quirky and innocent. I wanted to be strange and mysterious.
“You certainly are not,” replied Max a semitone lower than usual.
“Is that okay with you?” I hoped I sounded flirtatious rather than sarcastic.
“Of course it is.” Max turned his body around this time and looked me straight in the eye. He moved close enough for me to feel his breath on my lips. I could taste his whiskey; smell his aftershave, without there even being any physical contact. The inside of my mouth became moist.
“I’m glad you’re not Greek,” he said. “I want . . . not Greek. I want . . . white skin . . . green eyes . . . long . . . black . . . hair . . .” With each pause he inched closer to my lips. I couldn’t move. All I could hear was the silent roar in his voice. As he reached the closest point before touching my lips he whispered, “Can I taste your lipstick?”
Sunday, 11 April 2010
Bar Scene Blog Fest Entry - Click me to reach the host, Tara
“I'm using my art to comment on what I see. You don't have to agree with it.” ~John Mellencamp
“Allowing an unimportant mistake to pass without comment is a wonderful social grace” ~Judith S. Marin
“I don't ever try to make a serious social comment.” ~Paul McCartney
“I'd make a comment at a meeting and nobody would even acknowledge me. Then some man would say the same thing and they'd all nod.” ~Charlotte Bunch
“Probably what my comment meant was that I don't care about the circumstances if I can tell the truth.” ~Sally Kirkland
“We're not going to pay attention to the silliness and the petty comments. And quite frankly, women have joined me in this effort, and so it's not about appearances. It's about effectiveness.” ~Katherine Harris
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Wow that was amazing I totally loved it!ReplyDelete
Fantastic! I really enjoyed this. You got so close to the POV that I knew her, got her, so well in such a short space. The descriptive voice was excellent too. Each image carried sultry, sexy undercurrents. Bravo!!ReplyDelete
A really fantastic blog, most enjoyable to read,ReplyDelete
Have a lovely peaceful Sunday.
(hate the word moist because it sounds pervy, bbut still...)
Wow, that' was intense. lol. What is the Bar Scene Blog Fest? Sounds interesting.ReplyDelete
Candyland--I hate the word 'moist' too!
Your voice is riveting. The whole scene was intense. My novel FRENCH QUARTER NOCTURNE features a legendary jazz club owner in post-Katrina New Orleans. I almost put an entry in the bar scene. Your entry makes me glad I didn't.ReplyDelete
Come check out my murder scene entry if you have the time and the inclination. It comes from my novel, RITES OF PASSAGE, set in 1853 aboard a transatlantic steamer bound for Paris with more than one killer seeking prey.
Thanks for the intense scene, Roland
Thanks everyone. It's from the novel I'm querying at the moment, called DEAD IN THE CORNER OF MY BEDROOM. Glad you liked it!ReplyDelete
Candyland and MAry: haha 'moist' I thought it might make readers cringe a little ... hehehe ... I like that!
Roland: Thank you! I'll come check you out :)
Loved it! The word moist for me, added to the sensual feel, without making it tacky.ReplyDelete
I really liked this one.ReplyDelete
Great entry. Great description; visceral and evocative. Love your MC.ReplyDelete
Alright... I just checked out your Profile Page and see that you are an Australian woman living in Greece and that PJ Harvey, Nick Cave, and Joni Mitchell are three of your five favorite musicians.
Uh-huh, Uh-huh... Hmmm...
So, let me axe ya, is this from a novel you've written or an autobiography?
I'm going to take a wild guess that in real life you have a slinky black skirt, psychedelic beads, and that you spill your nuts.
How'd I do?
~ "Lonesome Dogg" McStephen
Haha Stephen: It's from a novel. No, not a real scene, but you could say that my protagonist has a lot of similarities to me :) She's WAY more confident though. She's probably what I'd LIKE to be :)ReplyDelete
But, the last line? That's how my fiance picked me up! hehehe
"hardly-there and well-covered breasts..."ReplyDelete
Loved this line. Speaks of insecurity and nervousness. I can picture the pin curls, the red lips, very Betti Page. Loved it.
Interesting scene. I like her voice-- I'm not sure about him, though. You have some great details in this that characterize your narrator well!ReplyDelete
Well, you didn't quite answer my questions: Slinky black skirt? Psychedelic beads? Did you ever have a "bad nut day" in a bar as described in this scene?
Regardless, this was written extremely well. I particulary liked the "dropped nut" bit as it added a touch of humor and vulnerability that gave the scene a genuinely human touch. (We've all endured that experience where we're trying to impress someone and some stupid damn thing happens that makes it so un-movie-like.)
This was very nicely done. I'm impressed.
>>But, the last line? That's how my fiance picked me up!
I doubt I would have ever tried to get away with a line like that - too cool for school. But kudos to your fiance; he tried it and it worked.
~ "Lonesome Dogg" Stephen
Really liked this one! Good tension, and I felt her nerves.ReplyDelete
F A N T A S T I C ! ! !ReplyDelete
This is a class act, TAA. Absolutely amazing. Short stories are my favourite genre and I haven't read one as good as this for awhile.
The way you build up tension. The economy of words, the abundance of emotions.
Don't answer if you don't want to, but I know you are an Australian living in Greece - is any of it autobiographical? If I could guess, I would say some of it is, but most of it is a what if scenario painted in your head!
Thanks again for your comments guys! Stephen, in answer to your questions, you may have seen me strut my slinky black skirt around town about 5 years ago. Now I strut my slinky black tracksuit around my office! :)ReplyDelete
Rayna: thanks!!!!! Not quite autobiographical. Check out my reply to one of Stephens's comments ;)
I see he was playing hard to get... Boys... :) I like her confidence; the fact that she kept the conversation going. Plus, the description was excellent.ReplyDelete